The recent death of someone I used to know has me looking at my daughter in a new way. This girl was about 10 years younger than me. I knew her during a very different time in my life. I look back at our interactions and hope I was not a terrible example. I'm not sure how she died, but I have my theories based on what I believe she has been through within the last few years. They are sad theories, involving drugs and/or suicide. I pray that these theories are wrong, for the sake of her family. But as I think about those possibilities, I look at my sweet girl and think, as you raise a child, you never know what their future will hold.
You never dress your tiny goblin in a cute dress and headband and think, "My daughter will likely overdose one day." You never play catch with your little man and wonder, "How many other children he will bully at school?" You never watch her play in the dirt and think, "One day, her life will be so overwhelming that I will find a tear-stained note next to her lifeless body." You just never know what your child will grow into. And while it is terrifying, it forces you to work harder as a parent and give them all the smiles that you have in your reserve.
As my tiny munchkin kept me up from 2:45-3:45 this morning, I looked at her sweet smiling face with loving eyes filled with awe. I kissed her little fingers, and sang her songs that helped her sleep in the earliest days of her life. It felt like she recognized them as her body inclined towards mine after only three or four notes sung. I remembered nights when she was only a few months old and I would stare at her as she nursed, marveling in the curl of her neverending eyelashes and how she would cross her legs at her ankles. I'll admit it was difficult to do during her moments of screaming or when my eyes would just start to shut and her spidey senses kicked in that mommy was getting some rest. But I forced myself to enjoy even the hard moments. Because you just never know.
I'm not sure why the loss of this young girl has hit me so hard. The only contact we have had in the last 10 years was a single comment of mine on a Facebook post of hers where she explained how her life had almost ended because she couldn't find a purpose in the world and could not process her feelings, how she had miraculously come out of a coma, and found a new lease on life. Perhaps it is because she was so young. Perhaps it brings up memories of a loss I suffered about 6 years ago. Perhaps it is the uncertainty of the futures of my own children. All we can really do is love them, support them, and give them the best examples we have to offer. Teach them about God and His love, and hope that they find the same belief.
Every moment has even the tiniest of impacts. It's a scary thought.
